Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
