if only i could text you this smell
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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