she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
