I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
