The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
