Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
