Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just invented taco cereal.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
