I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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