did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
