i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Please don't give away my fajitas
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
