i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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