Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
