I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
