Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
