I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
