He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
