Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's rum buckets o'clock
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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