I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
