Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
