I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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