i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
