overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When are your genitals available?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
