I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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