Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
