Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
