I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
