Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
