I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
