I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We are all done wearing pants today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
