I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
