My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
