I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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