3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
