Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
