somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Michael Bay diarrhea
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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