Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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