I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
