I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
