U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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