Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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