Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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