I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
third nipple confirmed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
