My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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