Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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