my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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