if you like me you must not know who I am
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
