So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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