You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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