I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
