At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This is the prime rib incident all over again
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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